Surviving.

What is worth it

2012-01-31T02:15:00.001+08:00

24 hours a day really isn't enough. I just want to sleep it away for the rest of my life but sigh let's be realistic ): ups and downs recently, what more can I say. Stay positive lah huh.. No one to let me win when talking on the phone, no one to stop me from being so unhealthy and no one with that special ability to make me go to school. Conclusion for all, life. Sigh, next chapt.

我不好

2012-01-28T22:27:00.000+08:00

Whooooop finally awake yay had fun at gillian's last night, marathon man. I think I'm turning like my parents, addicted to gambling. We gambled for more than 10 hours straight, no joke. No breaks at all after dinner man. Yay visiting Jiaxi's house on tuesday after school, hi to gambling and her cute mom. Not forgetting the secondary school clique. :') AND MEETING #BAZHANG AT MASON'S PLACE ON SATURDAY. FUCKING MISS THEM. PARDON ME FOR THAT BUT, IT HAS RLLY BEEN TOO LONG ):

And yes, time to study soon. Hurry just let me complete this course with a decent gpa.. Though tbh I've no idea what I wna do in future. I need a goal man this wont work. I rlly dk what I'm doing with my life! Drama world forever ke yi mah...

Reading all the whatsapp conversations again kill me, itchy hands. But who and what can i blame. 怪自己长得不漂亮? Thank you, I've came to realize the substitution method doesnt work at all. Your tweets still bother me. And I really wanted that 2 seconds moment to last longer. I didnt even dare to look up. Those stranger acts, it's rlly amazing how we could just bump into each other, apologize, say "it's ok" and continue on our lives. Swear it didnt feel good.

What is loneliness.

2012-01-26T02:52:00.001+08:00

是什么时候,不知不觉的爱上了孤独? 最近开始的发现自己已经没了社交的能力. 也开始讨厌和别人说话. What's happening I lost the ability to interact properly, I can't seem to communicate with people without quarreling. The flaws of people gets magnified automatically in me recently. Becoming the loser I hated. That's why it's time to step out of the crowded and noisy bloopz for a moment and start to settle myself first. One thing for sure is I never loved being alone more than now. All I need is that handful of people and the family, that's all. For now. So what's loneliness. It isn't when you're alone. It always strikes at the noisiest place. If you ever realized.

Widen the distance, things would be fine eventually. I'll know who matters more by then, let's not be selfish.

Cny day 2.

2012-01-25T00:59:00.001+08:00

Omg typing this chunk when I just woke up from my sleep since 8pm. Day was alright, won some $$ wooo lucky. Cny's really getting worse cuz everyone's growing up and all. Sigh hi to adulthood soon. But well let's be positive for once though I can't seem to find any reason to. School tomorrow, as much as I wna go home and sleep when I end at 12, I foolishly gave my classmates a promise that I'll join them wah fml tutoring that kid from 730 tomorrow also. Tns test the next day I can do it though I've no idea how..? Wah hate waking up I'm the middle of the night to realize nobody's awake. And hi please don't hong, cuz you can be better than that, dont disappoint.

On the first day of cny my...

2012-01-24T03:17:00.001+08:00

My...... Parents are asleep now. Ok no I'm otw home from Rachel's house at siglap damn chor plus booking ): good day spent with the Reizen, woooo love impromptu things, thank god for suyi once again, her dad fetched us there last minute, super love. Had fun though I lose $$$ buying back the happiness. Dog's luck really damn jialat I have no idea how to play tomorrow morning with the others. And wlao I wasn't supposed to go visiting tomorrow night it was supposed to be tonight I GOT SCHOOL NEXT DAY LEH IM NOT FROM SP. ): G is sick and missing in action now zai na li come backkkkk.

Limits still exist.

2012-01-23T01:14:00.000+08:00

Happy cny... No not happy but will be! Dont like this year's reunion dinnesrs, getting worse each year especially dad's side. Ok moving on, it's good to know people have limits srsly. Not funny leh serious... Grr can i dont talk to anyone and just drama my whole life away. And idk how to say this but putting it in a blunt away, people got to stop acting dumb? It's not really cute or funny it's just irritating at times when you wna get sth across yet... ok nvm.

Slow down.

2012-01-21T01:18:00.001+08:00

Got up late, missed school, what's new. Watched a new drama while waiting for my elder sis to reach home yay new reason to stay in my own bubble bloopbloopz oooo. Staying over at my grand's now cuz reunion's dinner is tomorrow and I just had the heaviest supper though it's 1am now! Love the day, slowing down the pace of my life. Gn excuse myself from those outings and lepak sessions for the time being after realizing I've been neglecting the family for too long. Damn sad and helpless when I see my grandparents grow so old with illnesses and all. What the hell have I been doing in school and all. Time to grow up and try to balance both side grandparents before I regret. I've seen way too many people regretting I don't wna end up like that. I want to force myself to go home before the sky turns dark everyday.

Reality check.

2012-01-19T23:26:00.001+08:00

After the talk with a new friend I've made in reizen, I've learned a lot. Though we're of the same age, but when I talk to her I just feel like some pessimistic idiot with low self esteem. Unlike her, the next person I'll look up too man. Gna look forward to more talks especially when she's my home partner. Seriously need to keep telling myself what if I die the next hour. Would I be happy. If I am, means I've been leading life the way it should be. If not, I'm just wasting my life away. Sometimes I realize, what I need is not cliques or what, but just everyone to be equal and so. Got to learn to stop pleasing people and live my own life. Time to be a lil more selfish n love myself more. Im secretly some low confidence fucktard that I always just want to make people happy to save myself from dramas.

One step at a time.

2012-01-17T23:14:00.001+08:00

Once again, blogging on the long train ride home with my heavy eyelids. Had dinner with part of #1112, and blind mice with some other people after that! Anyw omg I can't skip tomorrow's 9am lab alr, skipped it for 2 weeks straight and... Yeah cp called my mom ytd LOL.. Side track, I think the girl beside me is watching some videos and she's tearing that's so.. creepy. And yeah life has been ok?? Though what I badly want is to stay at home and watch some sad dramas on the bed to waste the day away. Never felt so comfortable alone before. Complicated human r/s haiyo can I just sleep my life away or spend time with the old grandparents. Giving all these up just start studying get the feel back c'mon what happened to you.. Seriously need to type with punctuation, nobody seems to understand anything I type recently.

Two or nothing.

2012-01-15T23:35:00.001+08:00

Thank you to y'all who texted me the next morning after the previous post was posted hahahahaha appreciated I didnt even know people would read this. I mean like I just rant n all cuz I'm really lazy to post pictures. And thank god for Alyson these few days, scorpz and virgos can really be goodfriends :') ohhhh n yeah I'm so lazy that I'm posting this with my phone again... Don't really know what I want nowadays. I mean I also dk what people want. Sometimes I feel selfish when things like that happen but I can't possibly push away any..? Idk what to do. (k I'm typing all sorts of rubbish into a paragraph cuz I can't paragraph it) yup so I rlly need to study hard and not let the nerds look down on me. Everytime test "only 1 person failed the rest did well" CFM ALL LOLK AT ME N RLLY IS ME. Ok lah can say is I deserve it. I'm not complacent I have no rights too given all the I have. But I just don't have any motivation. I know that isn't a good excuse so I'll work hard from now onwards. Die also need to graduate from this course. ):

13 January 2012, Friday.

2012-01-14T00:22:00.001+08:00

Bad bad day. Haven't been like that for super long I swear. I am not always like that, I am always happy. When things are at the highest, there's nowhere else to go but down. I'm not dependent on anybody. But I was really feeling very hopeless when I was outside my house earlier on, without keys. That's not the issue. It's that I have to pay the price for the choices I've made. This is part of growing up, and I'm very sure I've been through a lot more than other people of my age. I know I can't change my parents, I know I can't change my siblings, I know I can't change my past. At the end, I survived the whole day with the most minimal amount of sleep coping with myself falling sick after so long and all the shit that happened. It wasnt easy travelling alone with all the heavy stuff, reminding me that I will always walk alone. I am not pampered at all. I haven't been complaining about what others have but I dont since primary school. It's not the heavy stuff that mattered, it was just everything adding up tgt. Best thing was I thought I could rant to people I thought I could. Yet nobody's around. Turning back, looking forward n around, not even a shadow of others. It has never been easy. Must I really tell every single one I know what I've been through that they didn't so that people would be more understanding?

Flaws.

2012-01-13T23:03:00.001+08:00

Blogging on the way home, too tired too angst too discouraged. It's ok if people don't recognize your effort, but it's not ok when people just don't even try n they get recognized. Justice? Neh dk what it is. Superficial people, sorry that I'm not pretty or what, I also want to be, but I really can't change the fact. I can only be myself n do what I think is right. I'm constantly trying, but what happened to giving chances. Yeah no fairness I know, but not till that extent? I still believe the world still has hope, but it's not gna be in this way.. ):

2012-01-11T02:27:00.001+08:00

Title-less cuz I'm damn lazy to think and I'm falling asleep but I just feel like typing. Ok slowly getting back to serious mode by forcing myself to attend lectures, been on holiday mood since O levels ended no joke man. Day 2 only, way to go Mandy. In case I lose focus, studying should be the priority now ok really, I just want to graduate ASAP from this course. Nothing else should matter more. 2.5 more years, go...

Priorities and commitments

2012-01-08T01:07:00.000+08:00

Once again, the forever existing problem, (points at title).

I have no idea why people can be so happy go lucky every single day without having any problems and all. I have no idea how to balance my commitments and all. People need to understand that if they dont wna spend time w their family, it's their problem. I have mine. I'm different. I need to spend time w my family, grandparents from both side, my 3rd aunt, #1112 and classmates. Most of yall dont need to. And how many hours do I have a day? How many days do I have a week? Not to mention about studies and sleep.

Stop complaining that I'm drifting away and all. I'm trying my best, unknowingly to yall I know. Already given up basketball for all these, I just dont want to regret. Most of the time I keep wondering what would my life be if I was still in TP basketball.

And I really miss all my sec school friends, but I just got no time, everything clashes with everything. Sometimes when I miss an outing or what just to balance my priorities and all, I'm afriad I'll miss out on a lot. I'm so problematic argh I dont really know what I want in life, all I know is every second I'm rushing.

TNS first week.

2012-01-05T02:55:00.001+08:00

YAY TNS HAS BEEN FUN EXCEPT THE REST GOT CAUGHT WHEN THEY CAME UP TO CRASH CUZ THE ANG MOH TEACHER FOLLOWED THEM -___- but anyw quite fun, thanks to awesome tns classmates and Eeping for helping out really helped a lot <3 more to come, but open house tomorrow, so unwilling to help my course but argh no choice and I only have damn little sleep left so goodnight!

梦想.

2012-01-03T00:53:00.001+08:00

Giving myself 3 years for that. While basketball shall stay as an leisure thing, don't think my knee can take competitive one anyw. Though I rlly would wna play 外队 again, with funny teammies, and I still want pretty basketball shoes. But time to slap myself awake unless there's really a chance to but no la cannot be wake up. And sometimes I wonder if the whole world secretly hates me, been getting too much of it. Sometimes idk whether to be nice or what. People just don't recognize the effort and work. They only realize the ugly part and start commenting.. It is so discouraging idek how to carry on doing what I think is right. Like for what, nobody acknowledges it anyw. And yup say I'm a bimbo I'm so mean so this and that, you all don't even give me a chance to prove. And when I do, nobody else notices it. Countless times.

2012!

2012-01-01T23:32:00.001+08:00

Ended my 2011 with the fav people I met in 2011, started 2012 with them too. Been through quite a lot with each and everyone of them, more to come, but yup, shall see. Though sometimes all I want is to stay at home and stop socializing to live in my drama world ~

Left the past in 2011, time to move on. Have done so many things I shouldn't have, I'm learning from my mistakes. One of the things I've learned is to be forgiving and be thankful for what had happened though some things can only happen once. I'm not perfect, I cant go through a year without making mistakes, what's important is making sure they dont happen again. So now, time to treasure and stay happy. Though it still kills.

24 hours.

2011-12-31T03:37:00.001+08:00

Holiday has been great, but I've been neglecting my family. Coming home at 1-2am every night, waking up at 1pm then go out again. Been a week man. This can't continue and TNS is gna start soon argh. I think it's a wrong time though I really look forward to it. Anyw, elaborate on this week. It was like OTC until 23rd, then CPF till 1am. Then 24th was the next day, went to cousin's house for Christmas celebration! Then on 25th, spent it with #team1112 though it was rlly impromptu, had fun at mason's place! Then 26th was isaac's house christmas party which was rlly awesome too I got listerine for present exchange! Then 27th was shopping for presents in TPSU Christmas! It was fun hehehe. Then 29th was the party, hope they rlly enjoyed it! (: then supper till 1 plus again, found new cab buddies, Jiaxin n Yunloong haha! Then 30th, surprised Raina's birthday at her house, though little people but was fun! And 85 for supper heheh. Then countdown tomorrow yay! So yeah 24 hours rlly not enough ): I'm going to post some pictures tomorrow or sth I guess. Gna wake up early to go for breakfast with my mom, despite knowing I'll ton the day tomorrow. Good or bad idk, I haven't paid my sleep debts from OTC yet.

OTC day -1.

2011-12-21T01:56:00.001+08:00

Hi so yup OTC tomorrow, not really looking forward, 90% scared 10% excited. Too much to elaborate on, but hope I'll have fun and that my menses doesn't come man. That's the most important one. So I need to wake up 6 hours plus later to pack n all argh hate it. 唯一还能做的, 是不让你失望.

FAMILY DAY EVERYDAY!

2011-12-20T01:49:00.000+08:00

See life has been getting better, slowly constantly gradually but it's good! (: And ever since term tests started, I've been spending more time at home be it sleeping or going to my grand's and all so life isnt that bad afterall. And yah I love to type without spacing I know.

Anyw I've been to town for like 4 times last week, and yup term tests week lol. I EVEN WENT TO TEOHENG HAHA SO SCREWED wrong things happening at the wrong time. Pictures from last week ft. A&F GUYZ HI HEHEHE.

First day!

Second day with favboyyyy!

Headed to crystal jade for my sister's birthday and yeah hi birthday girl forever burden one I swear. (HER FACE DAMN FAT I PINCH IT EVERYDAY WITHOUT FAIL)

Damn lazy to upload other photos argh and i almost died tranferring 800 over posts from the past to my draft. New beginning, signing off with my cereal have a good night everyone!

说不定我能够撑过去.

What is your dream

2011-12-19T02:07:00.002+08:00

I have actually 2 of them. While I'm working towards them, taking the first step, imma still keep it to myself to act as a kind of motivation which works in a more effective way so let's goooo. Because when that particular one comes true, I'll approach you right away.

12:34

2011-12-15T12:34:00.001+08:00

Xx.

Gone with the wind.

2011-12-13T01:24:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, once the right time is gone, even things that were supposed to happen wouldn't happen again. Reality. We can whine and so on about it, but nothing will happen again. We got to move on. 有些事, 一旦错过就不再.